


We are buried in broken dreams

by HistorieforTeller



Series: No secret left to hide [2]
Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Hurt, Javier and John deserve more fanfics, M/M, Romance, Sad, True Love, rdr1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:33:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27390505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HistorieforTeller/pseuds/HistorieforTeller
Summary: So, when he shouted it out loud in front of every one the last time he saw him, when he forced Javier to confront what he had done to him, he didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know how to act. He saw Dutch, Bill and Micah point their guns at their brothers and Javier was only trembling. Not believing what was going on right in front of his eyes. He knew that by loyalty, he should threaten his former allies but he couldn’t menace his love so he just pointed his gun at the sky, his throat tight and it was so hard to not cry. Because everything was finally destroyed.
Relationships: Javier Escuella/John Marston
Series: No secret left to hide [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998139
Comments: 10
Kudos: 10





	We are buried in broken dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Please, read the first part of this work too. The two pieces are better together than separated.

« Javier just… Believe me. Please. You… You left me to die. _You_ left me to die! » John screamed at him while gripping his injured shoulder, his face showing his pain. Which pain? At that time, Javier supposed that it was because of his betrayal. Well, he doesn’t know if it can be called betrayal, he is loyal to the gang, to Dutch. Not to John. Well, he’s faithful to John, never cheated on him, never even thought of it. But his loyalty came to their leader, after all things work like that, you follow and obey your leader, you stay loyal to him until the end, even more when he’s someone for whom it will be fair and right to die for. Dutch’s ideals were so similar to the ones that Javier had. The ones he once had. Because now, he’s just too far from any dream he could have had when he was younger, nothing of them was left, only ashes. Only memories and tears while he thinks about it. 

But he didn’t want John to die, never. How could he look at himself if he killed him, if he provoked his death? But, he has done it in the end. He didn’t want to, never. He would never do something like that right? Not willingly. He would do it only if John abandoned him, if he left him. But why would John do that? He loves him. He said it not so long ago and it was so true, so sincere, how could he lie to him while crying in his arms, wanting to stay with him until the end of time. Which he wanted too. With the gang. With his family. His only family left. Even if now there was nothing left of it, of them, of what they were once upon a time. Right? Right.

_He left him to die._

That’s the truth. He left John to die because for him, he was already dead. As soon as he made his choice, as soon as he chose his wife and kid, Javier knew that John would never be his again. That it was the end of them, of their love. So, when he went to rescue John with Micah and Dutch and saw him lying on the ground, not moving, and that Dutch said he was dead, Javier believed it. He didn’t go to verify if it was true because well… He preferred to see him rather dead than alive and without him, but it was at that time, now he regrets it. Regrets that decision. Regrets to not just have gone with John. To have hurt him like no one never did. It was his fault. His fucking regrets and guilt. So, when he shouted it out loud in front of every one the last time he saw him, when he forced Javier to confront what he had done to him, he didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know how to act. He saw Dutch, Bill and Micah point their guns at their brothers and Javier was only trembling. Not believing what was going on right in front of his eyes. He knew that by loyalty, he should threaten his former allies but he couldn’t menace his love so he just pointed his gun at the sky, his throat tight and it was so hard to not cry. Because everything was finally destroyed. And he knew from that time that he died the same day as Arthur and Miss Grimshaw did. He died with the dissolution of their gang. 

But it’s his sanity that died for real with them, not his soul, not his body. He is so fucking alive. « I thought you were dead. » It’s the only thing he could say to John, it was not a lie, but not completely a truth too. He knew that it wasn’t an excuse, he knew that John would surely never forgive him for that. But they have both made their choice. And Javier made the worst one. He could see John’s emotions on his expressions, how much he’s hurt, how he truly feels about all of this. But he didn’t have the time to answer that sounds of shots resonated, and they all had to hide. It was the last time he saw John before today. Before this last day. Well, every day was the same since the dissolution of the gang, everything is the same, nothing has taste, nothing is entertaining if it isn’t blood and violence. He doesn’t sing anymore, or laugh, or dance. Only drinks and kills. And be lonely. Trying to survive in a world that doesn’t want him anymore and that never needed him in the first place. No one needs him. There is nothing left for him or of him. He’s not the one he used to be. The one he loved to be. He’s now so far from who he was, from everything he wanted to be. All alone. 

He’s so far away from everything. He never thought that he would go back to Mexico one day and here he is, since many years now he is in his mother country but he doesn’t feel at home. He doesn’t have any home now. Nothing. Only memories. Only regrets. He’s so far from seeing home, even when he looks back at America he can’t see it. When he looks back at his birth village, he doesn’t see home neither but, when he looks back at John, he can see the home he lived in once, the family he had. But the one he lost too. It’s just lonely here all alone, outside from any house, any people, any family, any country. He has nowhere to go, no escape for him, nowhere to hide and be safe. He wanted to be free, to be a revolutionary, wanted to be someone, to do great things, wanted to love, to be loved, to have an historical love, something worth to be told. And the last one, well, he had it. He had his perfect and legendary love. Maybe not for others but for him it was. It was maybe his last chance to know freedom until his death, but he took another path, not the one with John, the one where there is only desert, only sands. 

Look at him. Look at what he became. He’s now only the shadow of what he used to be. And the only thing he does now, it’s to wait for John to do what he’s forced to do. They are side by side as if it was the old days, as if they were still lovers, like nothing has changed. But they have. Both of them, they have lost so many things, so many people, so many parts of themselves. Javier can look at him like he never thought he could do again, just like before. He could even reach his hand to touch John’s skin. He could, if only he raised his hand he could. But he doesn’t. Because John seems so far away from here, from him, even if he sits next to him it’s just like he’s not here. His mind is with his family, his mind is on his son and wife. Not him. He’s here not to save Javier but to save them. He just happened to be the condition for John’s family to be safe and sound, to be free again. 

_Don’t leave me behind._

He knows what is waiting for him. What is going to happen to him at the end of the day. So he looks at his lover once again and there is something left of what they once were in his eyes that makes hope grow in Javier’s chest. There is still love. So this time he touches him, touches softly his cheek and John just closes his eyes, letting Javier kiss him softly. But it tastes like betrayal. His own lips taste bitter, unfaithful, abandon. What he has done to John. His pass submerging him, haunting him every night, at every breath. Every touch and every kiss that he exchanges with his love that should make him see the future only make him more lost in his guilt and memories. He’s just so lost. He hugs his lover with strength, feeling John’s head falling against his neck and he prays God to have something back from John, to be embraced once again as if he never hurt him, to let him have a chance to be by his side, to be in his light one last time. To play as if it was just another argument and that they will sleep together that night, in the arms of each other, ready to spend the rest of their life like that. Reconciliation was always their strong point. They always knew how to pardon each other, how to go on together whatever has been said. But maybe what happened to them is not something that can be forgiven. Not in this world. Javier must accept it, right? It’s not so bad, right?

The truth is he’s in pain. He could beg John to not do what he has the obligation to do, to not kill him, but he doesn’t. It’s already hard enough to him like that, he will not make things worse, he will be strong and courageous too. He will die if it is what his love wants, he will die if it what he has to do. For him he will give everything he has left and that means the price on his head, his reputation, the outlaw he always has been and always will be. He knows that John only want to make it right. Want to do the good thing. And a Javier alive is a bad thing but a dead Javier is a good thing. Maybe it’s just a lie that Javier told himself to make it easier to face the gun, to face John’s eyes full of tears but he doesn’t care. It’s a good lie. Even if he’s tired to lie. Tired to be lied to. Tired to see John trying to be the brave one every time. 

He could tell that he is sorry to gain more time, that he should give him one last chance, to cry out loud like he never did, tell him that they just need more time, just need to talk. That they can fix the past, fix themselves and what they have done. But he can’t. He can’t do this to John. But he needs to say one last thing, needs to say it. It’s the only thing that is worth to be said for goodbyes at this moment. He needs to say it after all « I love you. Still do. Be alright amigo, take care of you, hm? Love you. » He needs to know that John will be alright, that he will still take care of himself, not just drop his life because he could not forgive himself for doing the right things that is to protect the ones who deserve to be saved and protected. He waited for John fifteen years, he can still wait some more for him. But maybe, what he just said will make all of this worse for John, maybe he should have shut his damn mouth but he needed to say it so much, he can say his last words to the person he loves the most right? He can still do that. He can still have that. Even if it hurts John. Even if it makes things harder for him. 

But, if only he had taken his hand when he was trying to save him, if only he had taken it, maybe he could have been saved. Maybe nothing like that would ever happen. God, how much he wants John to save him right now, to pull him out of his darkness, to run away with him even if it sounds stupid. He can see into John’s eyes that he wants it too but it’s too late to look back, there is nothing left of them so he closes his eyes, thinking about all the people he knew, the ones he just crossed and the ones he loves, the ones who are still alive and those who are dead, thinks about what he wanted to be, what he could have been, all these dreams that are meaningless now. Maybe they always were meaningless, some pretty lies. He drove so far from everything he loved. How things could have ended in any other better way? He’s wasted, he's a lost cause, he’s nothing if not someone that has to die for the sake of all. He can’t look at himself, doesn’t know how John can. How love can make him so blind. He always was the most romantic, the most precious when they were together even if it was Javier who tried to be romantic, who desperately wanted to be the romantic one. He couldn’t. And John tried the opposite but well, he didn’t succeed too. 

Did he ever see this end coming? He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything now. Not like it matters. In the end, he’s just in John’s arms who squeezes him hardly, his love kissing him on the lips, washing every bit of fear in Javier’s heart. He can even feel butterflies in his stomach. It makes him smile fondly, forgetting what his fate is for just a moment. That he’s doomed. That _they_ are doomed. 

There is no fall. No ground. No sky. No world. Nothing is lost in the end. Everything makes sense, everything turns in the good way, everything is clear now. There is no crashing pain, no fear, no scream. Just a high whistling that blows everything in white clouds. Even if it’s a murder, it’s a beautiful one. 

_It doesn’t hurt anymore._


End file.
